Live and Lead For Impact Podcast with Kirsten E Ross

EP 120: Build Trust in Relationships for Impact – Drama has no place in a life built for impact

Build Trust in Relationships for Impact

Drama has no place in a life built for impact

 

Do you have some lingering relationships ….that can be challenging …tear you down….cause grief…..have baggage…..long histories…

……these relationships can and DO zap our energy, steal our joy, drum up false beliefs about ourselves, and sometimes even stand in the way of achieving our dreams.

Yes, addressing relationship stuff can feel overwhelming, but often remedies are simpler than you’d think if you know how to define the right fix. That’s why I’ve designed the Relationship Renovation Roadmap  I can’t wait to show you how!

Go to DefeatTheDrama.com/Roadmap to check it out!

If you’ve been listening to this podcast you already know that I spend a lot of time helping people overcome their drama in relationships.  It has no place in a life built for impact.

Often drama between people boils down to a lack of trust. You can have little or no trust for someone based on your experience with them; they’ve proven with their words or actions that they should not be trusted. Or you can lack trust because you don’t know them.

Either way, when we don’t trust someone we are more apt to assume the worst or assign mal-intent to their actions.

Of course, a history of bad behavior warrants less trust. The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. In businesses and nonprofit endeavors, however, I often find that lack of trust comes from a lack of knowing. Sometimes leaders don’t give their employees or volunteers time to connect.   And this creates negative assumptions and drama!

Over the years I’ve had a unique perspective into so many relationships and can say with certainty that often these assumptions are not accurate. I would even hazard to say that rarely are the assumptions driving these negative relationships true.

When communication and connection happen, trust can build quickly. Assumptions are replaced with facts and relationships are transformed.

I worked with a group of 4 people who knew little of each other personally but had to deal with each other often to complete their work. The company called me in because the poor relationships were decreasing productivity.

I spent exactly one and a half hours with them and in that time they had many aha moments. “Oh, when you were asking me that I thought you were trying to pass your work on to me!”

“No, I’ve already tried 4 different times to get the numbers right by the time I’m asking you to clarify some things.”

“I thought you were just coming in early so that you could leave early and find things to complain about.”

“No, with the work changes I now have to come in early to get everything set up and do the inventory. I’d actually prefer not to start so early!”

On and on it went.   Gaps in fact filled in with negative presumptions quickly overcome with truth.

Each had painted a picture of the other like a paint by number gone wrong. The little assumptions all added to a perception of co-workers trying to avoid work, get each other in trouble and wreak havoc. Recent changes in roles and workflow had put them all together feeling uncertain and wary.

They needed to work together but had had no opportunity to build trust.

I am very visual so I almost always end up describing concepts with physical items.

I started using the term Trust Bucket to describe the level of trust we have with others. It’s just a nice visual.

So, an empty trust bucket means little trust.

A full trust bucket is like a full bank account of trust.

A full trust bucket and we are assuming the best of each other. If my co-worker of 10 years is late and I have assigned a full trust bucket to her I will assume she got held up. An empty trust bucket and I’m assuming the worst. “He doesn’t value my time or is disrespecting me.”

I find that people assign empty or full trust buckets to new people in different ways.

Some people tend to start new relationships with a full trust bucket.   “I will trust you unless you give me good cause not to.” At that point, they will have an empty trust bucket.

Others are more cautious and begin relationships with an empty trust bucket. “I need to see who you are first. Prove that you deserve my trust. You have to earn it. Then I will fill the trust bucket.”

If your impact requires a team of employees or volunteers it is so important to bring them together so they have an opportunity to know each other as people and fill those trust buckets!

Drama happens when trust buckets are low. As I often say, in the absence of fact, for some reason humans fill in the blanks with negative assumptions. A process falls apart and the first instinct is for employees to blame co-workers they don’t trust, “they’re just trying to make my job harder!”

Bring teams together and give them the chance to know one another and trust will develop. They will assume the best of each other instead.

So, a few thoughts and action items for you today.

  1. How full are your trust buckets with people? Do you start with a full bucket and empty with negative experiences or do you start empty and make them work their way to trust?
  2. Are there people in your life or work with empty trust buckets? Are you reaching conclusions about them out of assumption rather than fact? Are your beliefs accurate?  How can you get to know them to learn their true character?

If you are a leader, where do team members have empty trust buckets? How can you bring them together to meet, connect and build trust?

Go to DefeatTheDrama.com/Roadmap to view the Relationship Renovation Roadmap Today!

EP 116: 7 Musts for Your Mentors or Trusted Advisors Give Weight to the Advice of Only a Select Few

7 Musts for Your Mentors or Trusted Advisors Give Weight to the Advice of Only a Select Few

 

Do you have some lingering relationships ….that can be challenging …tear you down….cause grief…..have baggage…..long histories…

……these relationships can and DO zap our energy, steal our joy, drum up false beliefs about ourselves, and sometimes even stand in the way of achieving our dreams.

Yes, addressing relationship stuff can feel overwhelming, but often remedies are simpler than you’d think if you know how to define the right fix. That’s why I’ve designed the Relationship Renovation Roadmap  I can’t wait to show you how!    Go to DefeatTheDrama.com/Roadmap to check it out!

Where are you in the making an impact process?  Are you brand new and still working through the idea in your head?  Perhaps you’ve just started to share with others, or maybe you’re well on your way and enjoying some success.

Whether you’re announcing a new business, podcast, book, network marketing endeavor, volunteer initiative, ministry or nonprofit dream……

One thing is certain……once you start sharing your idea, those with opinions thoughts, cautionary tales, similar stories they read about, something they heard one day ……..alllllllll start sharing theirs……

As the old saying goes, “Opinions are like a***holes.  Every person has one”…..

And you end up with all kinds of feedback and words of quote unquote “wisdom” whether invited or not:

Are you serious?  I heard of a guy who did that too and it was terrible!

Why would you waste time on that?

Those are all scams!

I tried that and it didn’t work out for me at all.  It won’t work for you either.

You can’t do that!  You’re too busy already!

You don’t know anything about how to do that.  You’ll never get it done.

You’re too much of a quitter!

You’ll never be able to create change there.

The problem’s way too big!

That’s too hard!

You won’t get anyone else to care about that!

What do you know about that topic?

Why would anyone listen to you?

You should do this instead……

It’s important to keep in mind that most of these opinions, thoughts, ideas, cautionary tales are moving through their own fear filters, and are boxed in by their own life experiences and knowledge.

And many times, they’re just thrown out there with little thought or any attachment to your success or future.  It might just be that the person wants to look smart for a minute.  Maybe they like to think of themselves as well-informed…..and maybe, just maybe……they fear YOUR success……and the words are shared to halt your progress.

Even when well-intended, words can be unhelpful and will get in your head to cast doubt where it doesn’t need to be if we give those opinions more weight than they’re worth.

So why do we listen?!?

You are not obligated to heed the words or warnings of every person who shares advice.

Today I give you license to let words fall as if on deaf ears.

Instead, be intentional about who you give the privileged position of speaking into your life.  Some call it trusted advisor status.  Perhaps you call them mentors.  Whatever the title, choose wisely. There are specific characteristics that someone should have before you give them this esteemed role.

Here are 7 Musts for Your Mentors or Trusted Advisors

They Must:

  1. Have Knowledge or Expert Status about the Topic:They know it, have lived it, or at least studied up on it. They can share opinions and advice from a place of fact rather than busting out with info off the cuff.  And, if they don’t have specific knowledge they’ll go find it to share an informed opinion or stay silent on the topic.
  2. Have a Unique Perspective: they’ve been where you want to go or have done what you do, but with a twist. They can offer you real life perspectives to help you achieve your goals. They aren’t going to rely on some folklore passed down through generations as a cautionary tale to squash your dreams.
  3. Understand Your Perspective:they know your passions, desires and your vision.  Or, they’ll ask questions until they totally get what you are trying to achieve.
  4. Want the Best for You: they won’t feel like a failure if you succeed. They aren’t driven by jealousy. They truly want to see you reach your goals even if it means surpassing their success or moving away from them.
  5. Put Their Own Fears, Biases, Agendas aside: they are able to provide objective and well thought out advice with the pure intent of helping you achieve your goals.When you are starting a business, or taking on an unconventional endeavor, you’ll often get people weighing in who have a deep fear of taking a similar leap. They will warn you out of their own sense of dread. (facilitating an executives in transition meeting) Stay away and stick to those who can put their own fears aside.
  6. Allow You to Make Your Own Choices: (we probably all have that friend or relative who always thinks they know best…..they throw out ideas on every single topic and are offended if you don’t listen…….STEER CLEAR) Mentors provide their advice and fact-based opinions, share concerns and then sit back and allow you to make the final choice. They aren’t mad, disappointed or frustrated with you if you don’t heed their warnings or follow through on their counsel. They provide their ideas freely.
  7. The Relationship Lives On: Whether you take their advice or not they continue to be in your corner cheering you on and wishing the best for you.

If someone who is not a trusted advisor weighs in just listen to their advice, thank them and move on.   Sharing an opinion does not obligate you to consider or follow through based on that advice.

Click To Get More Information On The Relationship Renovation Roadmap