Live and Lead For Impact Podcast with Kirsten E Ross

EP 158 Leading While Your Message Makes Some Mad


Congratulations on the choice to invest in you and your business

My hope is that you are taking in the information I share here and then getting in action

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NO analysis paralysis

 

Today I’m going to cover……….a mindset shift strategy

The goal is that by the end of our quick time together you will have the motivation needed to hurdle into the discomfort of change and the specific steps to take if this area is a challenge for you

I know from questions I’ve received and work with thousands of leaders over years that increasing team follow through is a focus for many

Over the course of almost 30 years I have worked with MANY leaders who love to keep everyone happy – great goal – but it doesn’t always jive with leadership…..or parenting for that matter – and there are, ironically, some similarities

The goal is the find business success – and it isn’t always possible to achieve that AND keep everyone happy – that’s Reality

I always say, you are who you are in your work and in your life – we can work on one and we’ll impact both.  This has tended to hold especially true when it comes to people pleasing – 

Here are some clues that you might be avoiding conversations or messages that might make people mad

  • You tell yourself that employees and volunteers should just know what to do. 
  • You’ve resigned yourself to the belief that if you want things done right – or done at all you just have to do them yourself
  • You are constantly overwhelmed
  • You have resentment building inside towards members of your team
  • You are afraid to have performance correction conversations – OR – you tell yourself you don’t have time for the conversations…..excuses win – eventually you say….now it’s been too long it would be weird to bring it up now
  • You stuff your feelings or are not even aware of them – Maybe you aren’t even certain what I mean when I ask about your feelings
    You minimize your own wants and needs
    You excuse or justify away your need to speak up

If this is you –  you are not alone! 

I can’t count the number of times I’ve had clients tell me, I just want everyone to be happy.  I’m just really nice.

Generally, what are they doing to try to keep everyone happy?  avoiding tough conversations, lying, withholding information, manipulating circumstances, saying yes to way too many tasks……which all lead to overwhelm, resentment, frustration.

And there are many unintended consequences, beyond the personal build-up of resentments, overwhelm, frustrations, disappointments, chaos that comes with trying to keep everyone around you happy so that you can feel okay.  The lost energy spent to track modified messages, make things happen covertly, stuffing true feelings while plastering a smile.

Yes, beyond these personal consequences are these:

Unintended Consequences:

You Rob Others of their Opportunity to Excel – They have no idea you’d like them to do better or be different.  By staying silent or complaining only to others you are robbing them of the chance to choose different actions.

REMEMBER employees want to feel like they are doing a good job – MOST want the TRUTH…..if you are telling them nothing OR – only telling them what they want to hear they are not sure if they really are doing a good job AND……

How often are you saying, I just don’t have time to have that correction conversation?

You are Effectively Allowing Employees to Make Decisions for the Business

If they show up late, leave early or take longer lunches they are setting work hours

If they fail to follow the processes you’ve outlined or use the new piece of equipment they are designing how work should happen

If they are staying on cell phones, having bad attitudes with your customers or patients, they are making those business decisions for you.

If they decide deadlines by missing yours – those are business decisions they are making 

And it is highly likely that your employees

  1.  Don’t have the same perspective, breadth of information, knowledge, insight that you do as a leader
  2. May not be putting the interest of the business ahead of their own…..

People can’t trust you: – Yep, that’s right!  Whether it’s just a deep down feeling they carry or something they know to be true for certain, those around you can’t trust your words.  You say you are fine, but are you really?  You say you can help, but will you actually show?  You say you’re happy with their achievements, but have they really done enough?

So many of my clients have been in this situation – in every instance once they started speaking up transformation happened – quickly

Angry employee story – resigned

Another instance – after some push back – during the period of transition when they thought they could still make the rules – employee got on board – productivity up!  Investment in a good employee saved and ROI increased as work aligned with business objectives

Do you feel motivated to make the change that you must?

Here are 5 Steps to Stop Your People Pleasing

  1. Collect the Pain: Begin to notice where you feel resentment, disappointment towards others.  Notice when you are overwhelmed and frustrated.  Pay attention to all the times you put your agenda aside for someone else’s emergency or request.  FEEL inward
  2. Determine What You Want/Need:  It may have been a while since you thought about what you wanted.  Practice doing some check ins throughout the day. Determine whether you are pretending to be happy or if you really are.
  3. Start Speaking Up:  Begin having at least small correction conversations with your employees -cell phones out, lack of follow through on a small project…..no to requests where appropriate and start asking for help from others.  Set clear expectations for your employees.  Provide constructive feedback where necessary.
  4. Gather Successes: As you speak up have a correction conversation, ask for help or say no and get a good response, take note.  Remember all the times that your feared outcome did not happen.  Start with people who are easier to speak with.  Then work towards tackling the tougher employees – the ones who use stay stuck strategies to design their own work  – NOTE – be careful that you aren’t focusing on feedback to your rockstars too long though….Remember they take feedback well and it’s easier but if you stay in this phase too long they are frustrated. 
  5. Build Momentum:  Continue to speak up as you build enthusiasm and feel empowered. Enjoy the feeling and keep going!

 

 

Learn the Delegation Strategies I’ve shared with THOUSANDS and get your team to do what you need! Grab a copy of my EBook, The Six Simple Steps to Great Delegation

DefeatTheDrama.com/DelegationSheet

 

Kirsten Ross Vogel is an author, podcast host and CEO of Focus Forward Coaching where we help leaders 

 

  • defeat team drama 
  • to 4X productivity, 
  • wow their customers 
  • and improve their bottom line 
  • with simple, actionable strategies, systems, communication hacks and mindset shifts.

EP12: I love my job, but my boss is a tyrant! What can I do?

DYD Episode 12 Show Notes

Defeat YOUR Drama:
I love my job, but my boss is a tyrant! What can I do?

Click to download the show notes for the Defeat the Drama Podcast Episode 12

DefeatYourDramaIn the Defeat Your Drama segments I will provide solutions based on the information provided. I will obviously not have full details so will provide customized strategies based on what you share. Always consider your own specific circumstances before taking any action. These are suggestions not guarantees.

If you’d like me to share customized strategies for your drama situation go to my website http://podcast.defeatthedrama.com/defeat-your-drama. You can type or record your message. Use your real name or an alias for anonymity. Note that recorded or written messages may be used on the podcast.

Sarah from Oregon says…

I love my job! I know that I am making a difference. I have a lot of autonomy. My coworkers are great! We work well as a team. The drama happens when my boss comes to our location. He works in a different office about 150 miles away so I don’t see him that often, maybe once every couple of months. When I do, though, he blows in and is a complete tyrant. He treats me like I’m doing a terrible job and berates me in front of co-workers. It’s awful!! Most if not all of the stuff he yells at me about isn’t even true! He makes all of these assumptions and doesn’t give me a chance to provide the truth.

I feel like quitting every time he visits. I don’t want to leave my job. What can I do?

Let’s Defeat Your Drama Sarah!

I am so sorry that you are having this experience. Yuck!

The first thing you say is that you love your job. So, let’s see if we can make it palatable enough for you to stay with full energy and focus.

As always, we need to start by determining what is in your control. Where can you have a positive impact on the situation? Keep in mind, I am not excusing your boss’s behavior. But, you can’t control how your boss is reacting. You can only control you.

I have 3 specific strategies to try:

#1 Focus on the Message Not the Method:
Look beyond the way he is communicating and hear what he is saying. Is there any validity to the concerns he is expressing? Sometimes when someone is speaking aggressively we focus fully on how they are communicating and miss out on any nuggets that are there. If we are missing nuggets of valid information, at times, this can cause a person to get even more aggressive. Again, not saying it’s okay or that you are to blame. It’s just what can happen. If that is the case, this might be an area where you can create a positive impact.

If there are some valid concerns there try to address those. Sometimes the request they are asking for isn’t the actual fix. So, you also want to hear the message and then think about whether the fix requires doing the right things OR, is the fix communicating better. In other words, you’re doing the right things but your boss doesn’t know.

This is a distinct possibility since he spends most of his time 150 miles away from you. Is he aware of all that you are accomplishing and all that it takes to do what you do?

I have my clients ask themselves – Is this a doing issue or a communication issue?

Often the actual issue boils down to communication. A boss just isn’t aware of the though and research going into a decision or the steps taken to complete a project with accuracy. They then, inaccurately assume that the work is not right.

If you are doing the right things but he is not aware, come up with a new communication strategy that will keep him in the loop with more detail. If you are up to it, ask for his input. Let him know that you’d like to keep him up to date on your activities and ask what he feels is the best method; weekly phone call, email Excel Spreadsheet on your intranet or Google Docs.

You didn’t share the kind of work you are doing so I’m not sure how much information you would need to share.

#2 Make a Request:
I use the term “request” purposefully. Request is very non-confrontational. And that’s the feel you want to have in this second step. Think about what you need from your boss. And then lob it out there. Making a request doesn’t have a lot of emotional oomph. Just ask and don’t hold tight to a specific outcome. The goals is for your boss to feel like he has complete freedom to respond to your request or not. He actually has freedom regardless of HOW you ask, but if you can ask from a non-emotional place I believe your chances of success are higher. If you ask defensively an already aggressive person will meet you there and be defensive themselves. They’ll want to hold their position.

You don’t share what your general response is when your boss gets aggressive. I don’t know if you are walking out of the room, yelling back, defending yourself.

Schedule a time to talk to him separate from any outbursts. Share that you sense his frustration with you. Communicate that you want to understand what you can do to help him feel more confident in you. Share that you’d prefer feedback in private. Indicate that you are hoping that the increased updates from you will help him stay informed of your progress, achievements, etc….. If it feels comfortable and the relationship isn’t too adversarial aside from the outbursts, share what it feels like to be on the receiving end of his frustration. Request, calmly that he share his concerns in a way that helps you excel. Share that you love your job and want to do well. You are open to constructive feedback.

If you listen or nuggets and respond by doing things differently or upping your communication about accomplishments and this doesn’t fix the problem and your requests to have a more productive communication with him fall on deaf ears then the last resort is

#3 Give the Issue Little Focus:
If your boss has no self awareness and, thus, is unwilling to even consider changing his communication style then what is left to your control is your reaction to his outbursts.

Can you aim little of your focus there? Try not to think or worry about it in between outbursts. Focus, instead on the enjoyment you get from the work that you do. I’m not saying it is easy, but choose a reaction or non-reaction. Maybe his outbursts are ridiculously funny. Maybe it’s sad for him. Wow, to hold so much anger. Or to have the need to tear others down to help himself feel better…………….You don’t really know for sure why he is doing what he does, so why not tell yourself a story that doesn’t include you at the center. It really may have nothing to do with how he actually feels about your performance on the job. He might even feel intimidated by your accomplishments and potential.

Again, I’m not saying the behavior is okay – but there are ways to make the situation more palatable. Try these steps to see if you can find more enjoyment, or perhaps make a change in you that transforms the situation. Are you able to get to a place where you just ride out the storm?

It can’t hurt to try! These strategies may help you stay, happily, in a job you love!

If you’d like to get customized strategies for your drama situation go to http://podcast.defeatthedrama.com/defeat-your-drama/ to record your details or send a message.

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