Impact | Live and Lead for Impact Podcast with Kirsten E Ross

EP 168 3 Keys to More Productive Meetings

EP 168 3 Keys to More Productive Meetings

Excited –

Who here hates meetings?

Help you feel confident and empowered as a leader

My name is Kirsten Ross Vogel, author, HR Pro and CEO of Focus Forward Coaching where we help leaders who want to make a bigger, bolder impact

defeat team drama
4X productivity,
And improve their bottom line
with simple, actionable strategies, systems and mindset shifts.

Common Meeting Frustrations

Meetings Starting and Ending Late – LOOK AROUND AND CONSIDER THE TIME AND…..MONEY BEING WASTED!
People Not Attending or Not Prepared
Feeling Like You are Wasting Time
Unclear Objective ~ Why Am I Here?
Including Unnecessary People in the Meeting – HIGH JACK MTG, IRRELEVANT OR NOT FACT BASED OPINIONS
Dealing with Power Struggles and Undefined Roles
Texting/Emailing During Meetings!
Sidebar Conversations – OR BACKHALL AFTER THE FACT
No Follow Through / No Progress

INSTEAD

The Meeting Must have at Least 1 Goal
A Real Goal – sharing info, discussing, deciding, sharing ideas? –quick updates among team members or departments Not just someone said we should have meetings

A Meeting Must have the Key Players – if you need to make decisions but decision makers aren’t available – don’t have the meeting

A Series of Meetings Must Create Progress
Real Progress – if you decide in the meeting assign next steps – what will happen before the next meeting and who is accountable

Struggling with a Team or Family Business Challenge? Grab a spot on my calendar. You’ll get a Business Breakthrough in 15 minutes and we’ll talk next steps. DefeatTheDrama.com/call

EP 160 – How Many Dollars Do You Lose to Drama?

EP 160 – How Many Dollars Do You Lose to Drama?

This is the first in a 3 part series

Do any of these sound like you?

Are you hoping to get your team to JUST DO THEIR JOBS?

It seems everything gets done better and quicker if you do it yourself.

You try to do it all but constantly feel overwhelmed and resentful.

Fed up with all of the drama, bickering and complaining?

Ever feel like hiding from all of it forever?

That employee drama is costing you WAY more than your mood! Let’s talk Dollars!

I’ve been helping leaders just like you defeat their team drama for more than 15 years.

And, let me just say, I use the term Drama very loosely –

Because to me, when it comes to business, Drama is ANYTHING that shifts focus away from where it needs to be. You need a team laser focused on serving your customer, clients, or patients…….

Why have I made it my mission to help leaders Defeat Drama? Because passionate entrepreneurs, family businesses, and non-profits have important work to fulfill and too often drama stands in the way. Drama zaps energy, shifts focus AND WORSE – Costs WAY more money than you know!

Studies show that each employee wastes at least 2 ½ hours per week dealing with drama.

And I’ll place emphasis on AT LEAST here. Over the course of more than 15 years I’ve seen the collateral damage that happens around drama. But….let’s move forward with a simple calculation to illustrate the cost of drama at just an average of 2 ½ hours per week per employee.

Let’s keep it simple with a team of 25 employees making $18.00 per hour.

25 employees x 2.5 hours = 62.5 hours per week invested in team drama

Now, let’s multiply those 62.5 hours times an average hourly rate of $18.00 – Keep in mind, you are likely spending MORE than than per hour on at least some of your employees, if not all. We could also calculate an hourly cost of paid benefits…….But, again, let’s keep it simple.

So $18 multiplied by 62.5 hours gives us a grand total of $1,125 per week invested in team drama!

Soak it in for a minute. Is that where you want to spend your money?

But wait……It gets even worse. Let’s multiply that weekly expense by 52 weeks. How much is this hypothetical team spending on drama for the year? $58,500 WASTED on Team Drama!!

What could you do with an extra $58,500?

Keep in mind this is JUST what you’re spending on time invested in on the act of distraction. The total cost is MUCH higher if you add in lost productivity, less business, more customer service issues! And, if you have high drama, not only is your team investing more of your dollars into drama but they are likely driving away your good employees. Higher turnover means more dollars to replace people. And, your best people have more options and are more likely to get burned out.

This is hypothetical. I encourage you to do the same math for your organization. Use average hourly rate (turn an annual salary to hourly by dividing by 2080 hours) or use each person’s actual hourly rate multiplied by 2.5 and then 52 to give you the annual cost.

What’s your number?

If you’re ready to take action I have few spots left in my calendar this week for a free 30 minute leadership breakthrough consultation GO TO DefeatTheDrama.com/Session to claim yours now.

I’ve been helping leaders just like you defeat their team drama for more than 15 years.

And, let me just say, I use the term Drama very loosely –

Because to me, when it comes to business, Drama is ANYTHING that shifts focus away from where it needs to be – You need a team laser focused on serving your customer, clients, or patients…….

Again, If you’re ready to take action I have few spots left in my calendar this week for a free 30 minute leadership breakthrough consultation GO TO DefeatTheDrama.com/Call to claim yours now.

Learn the Delegation Strategies I’ve shared with THOUSANDS and get your team to do what you need! Grab a copy of my EBook, The Six Simple Steps to Great Delegation
DefeatTheDrama.com/DelegationSheet

Kirsten Ross Vogel is an author, podcast host and CEO of Focus Forward Coaching where we help leaders

defeat team drama
to 4X productivity,
wow their customers
and improve their bottom line
with simple, actionable strategies, systems, communication hacks and mindset shifts.

EP 158 Leading While Your Message Makes Some Mad

Congratulations on the choice to invest in you and your business

My hope is that you are taking in the information I share here and then getting in action

Digest
Ponder
Apply
Act

NO analysis paralysis

Today I’m going to cover……….a mindset shift strategy

The goal is that by the end of our quick time together you will have the motivation needed to hurdle into the discomfort of change and the specific steps to take if this area is a challenge for you

I know from questions I’ve received and work with thousands of leaders over years that increasing team follow through is a focus for many

Over the course of almost 30 years I have worked with MANY leaders who love to keep everyone happy – great goal – but it doesn’t always jive with leadership…..or parenting for that matter – and there are, ironically, some similarities

The goal is the find business success – and it isn’t always possible to achieve that AND keep everyone happy – that’s Reality

I always say, you are who you are in your work and in your life – we can work on one and we’ll impact both. This has tended to hold especially true when it comes to people pleasing –

Here are some clues that you might be avoiding conversations or messages that might make people mad

You tell yourself that employees and volunteers should just know what to do.
You’ve resigned yourself to the belief that if you want things done right – or done at all you just have to do them yourself
You are constantly overwhelmed
You have resentment building inside towards members of your team
You are afraid to have performance correction conversations – OR – you tell yourself you don’t have time for the conversations…..excuses win – eventually you say….now it’s been too long it would be weird to bring it up now
You stuff your feelings or are not even aware of them – Maybe you aren’t even certain what I mean when I ask about your feelings
You minimize your own wants and needs
You excuse or justify away your need to speak up

If this is you – you are not alone!

I can’t count the number of times I’ve had clients tell me, I just want everyone to be happy. I’m just really nice.

Generally, what are they doing to try to keep everyone happy? avoiding tough conversations, lying, withholding information, manipulating circumstances, saying yes to way too many tasks……which all lead to overwhelm, resentment, frustration.

And there are many unintended consequences, beyond the personal build-up of resentments, overwhelm, frustrations, disappointments, chaos that comes with trying to keep everyone around you happy so that you can feel okay. The lost energy spent to track modified messages, make things happen covertly, stuffing true feelings while plastering a smile.

Yes, beyond these personal consequences are these:

Unintended Consequences:

You Rob Others of their Opportunity to Excel – They have no idea you’d like them to do better or be different. By staying silent or complaining only to others you are robbing them of the chance to choose different actions.

REMEMBER employees want to feel like they are doing a good job – MOST want the TRUTH…..if you are telling them nothing OR – only telling them what they want to hear they are not sure if they really are doing a good job AND……

How often are you saying, I just don’t have time to have that correction conversation?

You are Effectively Allowing Employees to Make Decisions for the Business

If they show up late, leave early or take longer lunches they are setting work hours

If they fail to follow the processes you’ve outlined or use the new piece of equipment they are designing how work should happen

If they are staying on cell phones, having bad attitudes with your customers or patients, they are making those business decisions for you.

If they decide deadlines by missing yours – those are business decisions they are making

And it is highly likely that your employees

Don’t have the same perspective, breadth of information, knowledge, insight that you do as a leader
May not be putting the interest of the business ahead of their own…..

People can’t trust you: – Yep, that’s right! Whether it’s just a deep down feeling they carry or something they know to be true for certain, those around you can’t trust your words. You say you are fine, but are you really? You say you can help, but will you actually show? You say you’re happy with their achievements, but have they really done enough?

So many of my clients have been in this situation – in every instance once they started speaking up transformation happened – quickly

Angry employee story – resigned

Another instance – after some push back – during the period of transition when they thought they could still make the rules – employee got on board – productivity up! Investment in a good employee saved and ROI increased as work aligned with business objectives

Do you feel motivated to make the change that you must?

Here are 5 Steps to Stop Your People Pleasing

Collect the Pain: Begin to notice where you feel resentment, disappointment towards others. Notice when you are overwhelmed and frustrated. Pay attention to all the times you put your agenda aside for someone else’s emergency or request. FEEL inward
Determine What You Want/Need: It may have been a while since you thought about what you wanted. Practice doing some check ins throughout the day. Determine whether you are pretending to be happy or if you really are.
Start Speaking Up: Begin having at least small correction conversations with your employees -cell phones out, lack of follow through on a small project…..no to requests where appropriate and start asking for help from others. Set clear expectations for your employees. Provide constructive feedback where necessary.
Gather Successes: As you speak up have a correction conversation, ask for help or say no and get a good response, take note. Remember all the times that your feared outcome did not happen. Start with people who are easier to speak with. Then work towards tackling the tougher employees – the ones who use stay stuck strategies to design their own work – NOTE – be careful that you aren’t focusing on feedback to your rockstars too long though….Remember they take feedback well and it’s easier but if you stay in this phase too long they are frustrated.
Build Momentum: Continue to speak up as you build enthusiasm and feel empowered. Enjoy the feeling and keep going!

Learn the Delegation Strategies I’ve shared with THOUSANDS and get your team to do what you need! Grab a copy of my EBook, The Six Simple Steps to Great Delegation

DefeatTheDrama.com/DelegationSheet

Kirsten Ross Vogel is an author, podcast host and CEO of Focus Forward Coaching where we help leaders

defeat team drama
to 4X productivity,
wow their customers
and improve their bottom line
with simple, actionable strategies, systems, communication hacks and mindset shifts.

EP 157 Lyle Tard: Servant Leadership and Selflessness

Lyle Tard Episode 157

Serviceispower.org/aboutus

Lyle is a 19 year military veteran who has been fighting to discover significance his entire life. In 2018, he founded IMPACT Servant Leadership because he realized that true success in life is gained through unlocking the significance in others through Servant Leadership principles teaching that “Leaders lead best when they Serve.”

Lyle was a military kid. His life was dictated to him as he grew. Then, he joined the military himself and was told what he should like, what he should do, who he should be.

He now realizes how important it is to be who you were designed to be and wants to help others make their own impact. His goal, help others become great servant leaders. He gains inspiration from Dan Rockwell, Leadership Freak.

The biggest challenge he’s had to overcome is the same challenge he helps others overcome; selfishness. Servant leadership requires something that is not innate to humans, selflessness.

He also shares that you should never be afraid to fail and quotes John Maxwell, “Failure is your fuel.”

Learn the Delegation Strategies I’ve shared with THOUSANDS and get your team to do what you need! Grab a copy of my EBook, The Six Simple Steps to Great Delegation

DefeatTheDrama.com/DelegationSheet

Kirsten Ross Vogel is an author, podcast host and CEO of Focus Forward Coaching where we help leaders

defeat team drama
to 4X productivity,
wow their customers
and improve their bottom line
with simple, actionable strategies, systems, communication hacks and mindset shifts.

EP 136: F It For Impact – Form Your Foundation (2-5)

F It For Impact – Form Your Foundation (2-5)

Are you struggling with difficult relationships?

Head over to DefeatTheDrama.com/Roadmap

EP 134: F It for Impact – Fuel Your Fortitude – 1 of 4

F it For Impact – Fuel Your Fortitude #1 In a Series

Commit and just don’t quit – Don’t give yourself the out – Table the Decision – don’t waste time pondering

Every day I learn new things

It will get easier

I will find a way

I haven’t tried all the possible ways yet

Play it like a game – have fun while you try new things – see what you can make happen

Here are the trip ups to avoid to help you fuel your fortitude

Know that Perfect Timing is a Myth – Sometimes you have the commitment BUT – you need to commit to action – NOT just committing to commit – Don’t delay action until you feel ready – get in research mode- feel like you have to have it all figured out first – you won’t know everything until you just do it – It’s okay to figure things out as you go – unitl the kids are back in school or the sun begins to shine – WRITING MY FIRST BOOK

Instant Gratification is Mostly a Myth
- Bill Gates said, “Most people overestimate what they can do in one year and underestimate what they can do in 10.
- Impact takes time – commit to the specific steps you must take daily, weekly, monthly and just keep going.
  - If you have kids you know you had to wait for that first smile – that first little positive reinforcement while you fed, changed, burped, walked…..
  - Blogging, podcasting – anything where you are working to connect with people – can feel like it’s going out into a black hole – invisible – but…often people are watching, noticing….it takes time
  - Most famous people had years of struggle before you knew them. Much of what you see is the end result of years of sacrifice – to US it’s instant fame but that is rarely the reality
- Your Why – I have my Objectives – WHY I participate in Network Marketing – Not heart centered – more practical – and then my WHY – Objectives also help and can be good when speaking to people – different things to pull from:
  - Solo Preneur 15 years – provides a team of goal oriented people into personal development – hard to find – NM provides that environment
  - Help More People – Coach, Speak, Motivate
  - An additional Stream of Income –

And then the WHY – Heart Centered – More than money – what that money or time freedom can do – MUST include an element of serving others – When speaking with others they need to feel that a part of your purpose is about them – This will also have you speak in a way that gives them freedom to say yes or no – to decide for themselves if it’s right for them.

Run Your Own Race – don’t compare –
Burn the Boat – Remove other options – earn the auto bonus, get the car
- Downturn in the economy – single mom and business owner – started also looking for a job – realized – needed full focus on biz – couldn’t get my heart into working for someone else – my time and energy was divided – full force – highest earnings to date that next year

Are you struggling with difficult relationships?

Head over to DefeatTheDrama.com/Roadmap

EP 133: We Are More Similar than We Know – He’s On a Mission to Ignite Unity Through our Stories An Interview with Kenneth Williams Jr.

We Are More Similar than We Know – He’s On a Mission to Ignite Unity Through our Stories

Connect with Kenneth Williams on Linked In:
https://www.linkedin.com/in/kenneth-j-williams-jr-m-a-b8263266

Kenneth recently graduated from Michigan State University with a Master’s degree in Public Relations and a specialization in Nonprofit Fundraising.

In the fall of 2017, Kenneth was selected to be a Forbes under 30 Scholar.

Kenneth earned his Bachelor’s Degree in Communication with a minor in Leadership and Integrated Learning from Michigan State University in May of 2016. He has extensive experience in various sectors of Public Relations including nonprofits, technology and crisis communication. Additionally, Kenneth has studied abroad in Mexico, Belize and China whilst also being a published author. He was also on MSU’s Homecoming Court.

He contributed a section to an anthology published by the MSU libraries.

Kenneth’s mission is to connect people through story telling. He is passionate about the power of shared experiences. He has spent his life writing and sharing stories and learned early that, even when people seem very different, they can connect when they see themselves through someone else’s experiences.

One of his biggest challenges was dealing with the loss of his grandfather, who was always his biggest cheerleader. He also struggles to maintain a good sense of his worth. He works to know his value without feeling arrogant.

To overcome tough times he prayers every day. His favorite verse is Luke 12:32. He knows that he should not have fear. God seeks to bless him beyond what he can imagine.

He encourages others to learn to love themselves and says that no one should curb their brilliance out of fear of fueling someone else’s insecurities. –Be Boss-

Get Your Free Relationship Renovation Roadmap Tool:
DefeatTheDrama.com/roadmap

EP 132: The World Needs Your Impact: Stop Beating Yourself Up!

The World Needs Your Impact: Stop Beating Yourself Up!

Are you struggling with difficult relationships?

Head over to DefeatTheDrama.com/Roadmap

Do you set goals and fall short of meeting them?

Do you make promises to co-workers or volunteers and then fail to follow through?

Are daily choices inconsistent with the outcomes you say you’d like to create in your work or life?

You are not alone. Whether it’s a New Year’s resolution to get to the gym 4 times per week or a commitment to an employee that you’ll be better at delegating tasks with a reasonable amount of lead time, we humans have a tough time breaking bad habits and implementing the new and improved.

We have great intentions. We just get stuck. And before we know it 5 months have passed without any noticeable change or personal growth.

So, based on the title of this episode you might be thinking, “oh yay! She’s going to tell me it’s okay. Everyone does it anyway. Move on and just be okay with how things are.”

Sorry. That’s not the emphasis today.

Yes, I will still encourage you to stop beating yourself up when you fail to meet a goal or a deadline. However, the reasoning is different. If you’ve been listening for a while or have worked with me you know that I’m all about defeating drama. Beating yourself up is just a waste of time. And it shifts your focus away from meeting your objective.

You see, when you are calling yourself names and mentally berating yourself, where is your focus? On you and how bad you are.

Is this motivating? No.

Is this time spent on creating a new plan that DOES move you towards your goals? NO.

Beating yourself up is just self-induced drama. It shifts your focus away from where it needs to be; on making the plan you must implement to meet your objectives.

And, too often our berating tends to lend the opportunity to give ourselves a pass. Do any of these sound familiar?

I do this everytime. I’m just not cut out to be successful.”
Why bother even trying? I’m just setting myself up for failure.
I have no will power.
I’m a complete loser!
I suck

Our mental beat down can become an excuse, a long term justification.

And how motivated do you feel while engaging in this kind of negative self talk? Get over yourself and get on with it!

Now, I don’t want you to completely skip over the feeling of disappointment or the loss of what could have been. Experience the pain to motivate you to new momentum. So, notice it quickly but don’t park there. Don’t let a disappointment become a long term beat down.

When a client shares their story of a missed deadline or failed commitment my first question is always, “how does it feel?”

If it’s a failed commitment to another person I also want them to think how that person might feel or what their team might be saying to each other. I also ask them to think about how they might feel if someone failed to follow through for them in the same way.

This helps build the motivation for change. The goal is to reignite the commitment.

From there we move quickly to, “Now, what do you want to do about it?”

What did you learn? This is an important question. Perhaps you can glean some additional information about structure required to pull off the change. Are there ways to build in hourly, daily or weekly accountability? Do you need a tracking system? A notorious strategy for dieting is to keep a food journal so that dieters are conscious fo what’s going in their mouths. A tally of calories can be an eye opening experience. Information and facts are so helpful to maintain motivation.
Is there any clean up you must do as a result? Any apologies or acknowledgements to make? Is trust eroding or disappointment building between you and others? Acknowledgement and an apology go a long way to rebuilding trust and igniting hope.
How will you reaffirm your commitment to yourself or others to create accountability?
What actions will you take to keep your commitment?
What do you need to create logistically to succeed?
What progress, if any, did you make? Was there any forward momentum? Any positive steps? If so, take a moment to celebrate.

If you’re like most of my clients you have big dreams and a hearty list of goals to tackle. You have a vision for the difference you want to make. Don’t get in your own way. Break those goals into manageable stepping stones and create the positive mindset that you WILL make them happen one daily choice at a time.

And, if a bump in the road happens caused by you or something out of your control you’ll keep on keeping on. Your plans are too important to give up on!

Remember, the world needs your unique impact! Go do it!

Are you struggling with difficult relationships?

Head over to DefeatTheDrama.com/Roadmap

EP 117: He Lives in India, is 19 and Already Making His Impact! An Interview with Tushaar Anand Madhu

He Lives in India, is 19 and Already Making His Impact!

An Interview with Tushaar Anand Madhu

Tushaar is a 19 year old Indian Podcaster. He’s very passionate about podcasting and wants to make it more prevalent in India. He also practices drums and guitar. He wants to be a motivational speaker and hold his own conferences.

He started his Good Vibes podcast a couple of years ago using What’sApp and had only a few listeners, friends and his parents.

His plan is to impact the world by first being kind to himself and then modelling kindness to others. He works to be kind to himself daily with his thoughts. For example, on days when he gets up later than he planned he keeps a good mindset and doesn’t let it derail his day. He just gets moving then!

Likewise, when something starts to put him off the rails by saying something negative he won’t let them. Instead he visualizes 2 roads. One is more enticing but does not lead him towards his goals. The other leads him to impact.

Once he gets in motion and action he is no longer thinking but is just doing and making things happen!

His words of wisdom to those who want to make an impact is Just Start! Don’t wait until you have everything lined up or for things to be perfect. Just move!

He shared how he had nothing but his phone and a desire to make a difference when he started his podcast. He still started! It’s okay to start small. Just start where you are.

Now he has better equipment and is on iTunes and is grateful that he just got going and offers words of encouragement and wisdom for people his age.

I look forward to watching him expand podcasting in his country while he motivates others along the way!

You can find Tushaar here:

thetushaarshow.com

Click To Get More Information On The Relationship Renovation Roadmap

EP 112: Forgiveness: Simple Steps to Follow on Your Journey of Letting Go

As I’ve often said, drama zaps energy and steals focus. Holding grudges or living with unresolved frustrations towards others can definitely zap your energy. And you need to harness your focus of energy and time with intention to make your unique impact!

So…….Does forgiveness need to be a part of your work? Bitterness, anger, frustration, and hatred are all energy sucking emotions and are often associated with how we feel about those we believe have disrespected us, hurt us, or taken us for granted.

I’ve definitely had to walk some tough roads of forgiveness. Perhaps I made it harder than it needed to be. But, I definitely felt those negative feelings and more about the man who abused me. I was angry! I had a vision for what my life would be and he took it from me because he was unwilling to own his behavior, or change anything.

I’m sure you’ve heard the old saying, “holding resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the offender to become ill”. Yes, those resentments will continue to impact you and have an affect on your current and future relationships.

An important part of my healing process was the intentional act of forgiveness. I needed to forgive him for what he did to me. Forgiveness doesn’t mean what he did is okay. It does mean letting go, ending the bitterness and reducing the anger.

Forgiveness certainly didn’t happen overnight for me! As a matter of fact, it didn’t even enter my mind for a very long time. To be perfectly honest, for the first few years after the relationship ended I collected his struggles and failures like little affirmations. “Yep, I made the right choice.” Or, “guess that’s what happens when you are such a horrendous person.”

I wanted validation. The abuse always happened behind closed doors. I wanted his life going forward to act as proof of what had happened to me. And I loved taking note and sharing his continued indiscretions with friends. “Look what I’ve had to put up with!”

A nice secondary effect of my continued anger towards him was that it provided me a layer of protection for my heart. Stopping to think about him as a broken human being who was not capable of doing better was too close to empathy. Empathy lives very close to love and I did not want to feel any feelings that even remotely resembled love for him. That chapter was closed and I needed to protect myself.

Truth was, I really didn’t have anything to worry about there. I had successfully removed myself emotionally from him over the course of those years of healing but I continued to find comfort in the idea of that extra layer.

The act of forgiveness was very difficult. As is always the case, however, forgiveness is a gift I’ve given to myself. It took a lot of energy to hold on to the negative stories, took up time to re-tell them. And empathy is okay. It has softened my heart and I have compassion. He is a broken man. But….The truth is, we are all broken.

Forgiving continues as a daily choice, an ongoing challenge with new experiences to add often but I am getting better.

So does part of your preparation need to include forgiveness? Are you wasting energy to hold onto resentments, frustrations, disappointments, or anger towards anyone?

Maybe it’s yourself you need to forgive. The same concepts apply. Whatever you did that led to the demise of relationships or choices that led to a life moving down an unintended path, it was you in your brokenness leading the way. Question is, what have you learned from those consequences, what will you do differently going forward and will you forgive?

The reality is, you can beat yourself up while you live the consequences of your actions or you can give yourself grace as you embrace your current circumstance. From a place of grace you have more energy to devote to creating a better life and making your unique impact.

So…..we all know we need to forgive, but how do you actually do it?

Here are some steps to follow. The steps are simple but the process can be very challenging. Start today so you can be on your way!

Accept that it happened. After an event and while we are very angry we spend a lot of time thinking about all of the ways the situation could have been different. Why didn’t he do that? This should have happened instead. If that was going to happen he should have done this. It takes a lot of mental energy to think of all of the alternatives outcomes that would have been better, the paths he or she could have followed but didn’t. With each new preferred scenario the anger increases.It is part of the grieving process but at some point you have to embrace what happened. Those other things could have happened but they didn’t. She could have made a different decision but she didn’t. It is what it is. Considering the alternatives does you no good because you can’t re-write history. Accept what is so. Avoid wasting energy on wishing it were different. Harness that energy and move forward from there.
Hear the Other Side: There are always two sides to a story and, at times, wildly different perspectives. It can be challenging but, if given the opportunity, truly listen. Try not to interrupt. Make an attempt to see the situation from another point of view. You don’t need to take on blame if they try to inaccurately reassign it but do listen for nuggets of wisdom or a new perspective that makes sense. Sometimes hearing can increase understanding. Is there a way to find common ground or work through the challenge together? Can shifting your perspective heal the hurt a bit? Is there validity to any part of what they share?
Be Appreciative. Can you be thankful that you found out when you did? What did you learn? How will you do things differently in the future? Did you gain a new friend or strengthen a relationship? Does the action validate a decision you made in the past? In every circumstance is something positive and placing your focus there will help.
See the Good: Can you still see value in the person? Try to separate the good they bring from the bad thing they did. Weighing the pros and cons will also help you determine whether you’ll leave them in your life or release them.
Find Empathy: Chances are high that the person who created the hurt is a hurt person. How does their brokenness negatively impact their life? Being empathetic doesn’t excuse the bad behavior it just provides a reason. Empathy can help you find a softer place to put this experience.
Express Your Feelings: It can be difficult to share our hurts with the offender. If you are able and they are willing it is a great exercise in healing. Do consider how they might respond and set your expectations accordingly. If they have difficulty admitting fault don’t set an expectation of hearing an “I’m sorry”. You’ll just feel disappointed. Instead create a goal of being heard. If you worry that they may be combative have another person there as mediator or choose to write a letter instead. The act of writing your thoughts is helpful whether you ever send it to them or not.
Give Yourself Grace: Maybe someone cheated you in some way and you’ve been beating yourself up for trusting. The reality is that in relationships there are vulnerabilities. You have to let your guard down to let someone else in. He or she chose the behavior not you. Maybe someone stole from you or took advantage of you. You might feel like you should have figured it out earlier. None of us can know all immediately and you had the insight to figure it out when you did. So, you didn’t realize as soon as you would have liked, tolerated behavior longer than you should, overlooked red flags that should have signaled the transgression. That doesn’t make the infraction your fault.When people harm you, take advantage of you, lie, cheat or steal the bad choices are theirs to own. Beating yourself up about not anticipating the wrong does you no good. Part of forgiveness, whether you’ve played a part or not, will always include an element of forgiving yourself for any blame you assign yourself.
Getting over the hurt and moving on must include placing blame where it belongs and giving yourself grace. Now, it is definitely helpful to determine whether there are lessons to be learned for you from the experience. And the answer is, probably. Take those with appreciation and let go of the rest.
Design the Relationship Moving Forward: Depending on the offense and circumstance, this person may or may not be out of your life. If you intend to maintain the relationship or must, get clear about any new parameters, rules or boundaries. Forgiveness does not require that you continue with status quo. Healthy boundaries created and kept keep us safe. Determine what you need to feel safe and whole in the relationship. It might mean the person is out of your life altogether or that you limit time with them. Maybe you’ll ask for space for a period or avoid direct communication. Perhaps you need additional access to rebuild trust. You get to have a voice in the design of the relationship moving forward and should not feel guilt for any change you request that benefits you.

Pray: If it’s not your thing that’s totally fine. However, if you are a praying person or want to give prayer a try, praying for God’s help in this area is highly recommended. Pray to have him help you change your heart and see the situation through His eyes. Pray to have discernment and wisdom. Pray for God to guide you through next steps. Pray to express sorrow to Him for your unforgiveness. Pray to have your offender gain wisdom, insight and healing.

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