DTD Episode 106 Show Notes
I Dare You To Move!

Click To Receive Your Busting Fear: Jumping out of Limbo Land PDF Download!

I don’t know about you but there have certainly been a few times in my life when I have felt stuck……and I mean really stuck!  …….knowing my current circumstance was not the right fit but unable to make the next necessary step.

Even when the choice is right It can be hard to walk from the known to the unknown…..particularly when that move is huge!

It’s been almost 15 years but I still remember the feeling I had while waiting on ME to start the process of getting out of an abusive marriage…………..

It was such a journey to get to the point of KNOWING that I could not be who I was made to be….make my unique impact in this world…….in that marriage…..and there I sat……

I was beaten down from walking on eggshells for years….had physical reactions to fear that ignited whenever I was yelled at……..had been told I was a failure and a sham……screamed at for having to have surgery that required time for recovery……No matter how hard I tried to avoid the wrath there was always something I hadn’t done or something I hadn’t done right….it didn’t even need to make sense……If the spew had to happen he could always find a why……like the time he walked into the kitchen to scream at me for never doing the dishes while my hands were dripping with water over the sink as I DID the dishes.

Over years the abuse had morphed me……. Applying normal relationship strategies to what was not normal didn’t make a dent….I thought I was negotiating or accommodating like a normal couple would without realizing I was the only one making any change….. the slow, methodical metamorphosis I made to make a marriage that wasn’t working work…..I was the proverbial frog in the water and couldn’t feel the heat.

I had spent years trying to make the marriage right……doing all I knew to do to fix it…trying what was in my control..…….I still remember exactly where I was when I had that final ah ha moment….. ….My “punishments” never fit my “crimes.”  AND…..This relationship is what it is and I can NOT do anything to make it better…..I need to put the full focus of my creativity and energy towards getting out.

Soon after that epiphany moment I launched my coaching business….an important step that could provide both the money to support myself and two young boys and the flexibility I’d need to help all of us heal……And I’d be able to use my unique gifts – I could be who I was made to be!

Thankfully, my business took off quickly……and yet, there I sat… My boys were suffering, I could not be all of me……..And I was STILL unable to take that last final step………to file the paperwork that would distinguish the flame of hope and cement the end of that marriage.

It’s where I first used the term Limbo Land.  It’s such an uncomfortable place.  You know that you aren’t in the right place but feel uncertain about where to go next …..Or….know the direction but fear the unknowns that accompany the big step.

I felt paralyzed.  The visual I had for the moment was standing at the edge of a forest with an expansive, open field in front of me.  To leave the comfort of the known I just had to take that first step into the big, open unknown where the possibility of making my impact lived.

One my boys’ counselors’ knew what I needed to do…..and knew that I was stuck….  He suggested I listen to the song….Dare You To Move by Switchfoot.

Just a couple of the lines…..

The tension is here
Between who you are and who you could be
Between how it is and how it should be………I Dare You to Move

That song became my anthem!  I listened to it over and over.

And happily, was soon able to make that important big step away from what I knew wasn’t working towards a life that could.

Since my big step almost 15 years ago I’ve had the privilege of walking beside others taking their professional or personal big steps….whether it was big career moves, having tough conversations, transforming relationships or transitioning away, working towards health.

Here are 3 strategies that have helped ease the tension of transition for me and many others

1. Focus on the First Step

Take it all one step at a time. You don’t have to decide your entire future to take the first step.  I often ask clients to put secondary decisions on hold.  By tabling them for now you can focus on just that next small step rather than being overwhelmed by many.  And guessing at a future you aren’t certain of isn’t best use of your time anyway.I still remember a client who negotiated me into her severance package.  It was a scary time for her but also exciting as she created a future aligned with her dreams.  She was exploring the idea of moving from the for-profit world to non-profit.  Her first inclination was to figure out where she wanted to work while she still struggled with the initial idea.  Through coaching I had her back off from that future choice to focus first on that next step….Was non-profit for her?  We did some exploration and when that decision came back with a yes we moved forward to determining what ignited her passion more specifically.  By taking it one step at a time she was able to avoid a lot of the fear and overwhelm that can come with a big move.

2. The Decision isn’t Final

If things work out horribly or aren’t what they seem –just tweak your choice……The path this one decision takes you on is not the end all be all and perfection should not be the goal. The truth is, sometimes you can’t know more about the outcomes until you just start.A few years ago I was part of a small team that launched a ministry for single moms.  We had done the basic work of designing our initial service offerings and some felt we should ponder and do more research before we launched.My immediate response, “Research cannot give us more facts about reality.  Only experience can do that.  The truth is, there will probably be even more trip-ups than what we anticipate from here. We’ll never be perfectly ready.  With action we’ll get answers to questions we haven’t even thought of yet. Let’s just launch to see what we learn and tweak from there.”  And that’s what we did!We launched, we learned and we made changes from there.

Remember – you don’t have to define ANYTHING as a failure!  Every misstep, every snafu, is a chance to learn, grow and redirect.

Ultimately the change you experience creates a moment in time.  There will be opportunities to make more choices along the way

3. Get Real About Your Fear:

Often we sit with a generalized fear of the unknown. Making the fear of the future concrete can help.  I like to take my clients through a little exercise called, “What’s the worst that could happen?”  Get specific!While you may assume that asking this question would drive us down an anxiety-inducing path, that actually has never been the case.  As a matter of fact, we almost always end up with plenty of laughter.  When we define the fears there is either a ridiculously low probability they would actually happen OR…. are easily overcome.  At times the “what if” scenarios are actually better than the current circumstance.  So, yes….we laugh!What we find is that The generalized fear is almost always worse than the individual things you identify if you make it specific.  And, you soon realize that most of what you imagine won’t happen and, that if it did, you’d actually be fine.  There would be options, you’ve made it through worse already…

Using these 3 strategies usually removes the main barriers to making the first big step and, in my experience, has always lead to good things….for me and my clients.

I mean, look what I’ve accomplished since I filed those divorce papers:  I’ve impacted thousands of lives through speaking, writing, coaching and podcasting, raised 2 amazing boys to adulthood and into college, am remarried to an amazing man….were there missteps and new choices to make along the way?  Absolutely!  And I’m pretty sure there will be more to come…

But…. the more I move towards success the more I equip myself with the courage and confidence to take bigger, bolder action!  And the same goes for you!

So, what has you stuck in limbo land?  I Dare You To Move!

Click To Receive The Busting Fear: Jumping out of Limbo Land PDF Download!

Head to my podcast site where I’ve got a tool to help you implement these 3 key strategies.

Submit your current personal or professional challenge….

DTD Episode #104 – Podcast Relaunch – The Return Show Notes
From Defeat the Drama at Work to Live and Lead for Impact

Click To Download Your Free Sliding Into Self Care: Super Simple Strategies for Crazy Busy Lives

Episode #104 – The Return Show Notes

From Defeat the Drama at Work to Live and Lead for Impact

What I’ve been Up to in the last 3 years
My recent Reflect – Refuel and Re-Evaluate

Shift in Focus for the Podcast and Why – For now let me tell you – it’s all about serving you better and was sparked by my Re-evaluation work

What I’ve been Up to in the last 3 years

For the last 3 plus years I have placed a focus on my two boy who had been struggling with major health challenges. They both began suffering from different autoimmune disorders at the same time! At some point I will explore what shared variables could have caused that to happen!

Let me just say, it was a crazy, busy, overwhelming, scary, frustrated, heartbreaking, sometimes celebratory time.

My oldest son was diagnosed with HSP immediately after symptoms started while my youngest was already suffering the symptoms of PANS, but was undiagnosed. It took a full year to learn what was impacting his health and the road back to health has been long!

I’ve been doing advocacy and awareness work since so let me give you a brief description so you can learn a little bit and also get a very small sense about what we were dealing with.

With HSP the body’s immune system attacks all the small blood vessels. It is VERY painful!

Small blood vessels line the entire digestive tract and are in all of the major organs. For my son this meant that he had terrible pain in his stomach as it contracted and squeezed. He ultimately went into kidney failure, causing his hands and feet to swell to the point that his skin was splitting, his blood pressure skyrocketed and he had blood in his urine. His liver was also enlarged. The
first signs were red dots on his ankles and feet, which began to move up his legs. They call it a rash, but it’s actually broken blood vessels. Thankfully, he was diagnosed right away and began treatment that started with a hospital stay in Orlando where we were on vacation, and lasted for months.

PANS is short for Pediatric Acute-onset Neuropsychiatric Syndrome. Sounds like a terrible disorder…AND….it is! The body’s immune system attacks the brain, causing inflammation. This creates what looks and feels like OCD, depression, anxiety, eating disorders, sleep disorders, tics, ADD, brain fog and more.

Children regress with handwriting and often are not able to function in school. They struggle tremendously or are unable to participate in school at all. And,
accurate diagnosis often takes a long time or doesn’t happen at all. It took a year for us to get a diagnosis and made recovery more challenging.

Symptoms show up out of nowhere overnight or in a moment and continue. In our case it was overnight. He woke me before school to share that he hadn’t slept all night and had anxiety through the roof. He was suddenly completely confused at school and unable to understand anything the teachers were saying.

He would not leave his bedroom and had weird eating habits.

He began losing weight. Traditional treatments that can positively impact psychiatric issues generally do little or nothing as they are not caused by chemical imbalance but by inflammation.

That was our experience. And, as my son begged me to find help so he could feel better and be back to himself again, we struggled to find anything that could help.

I re-prioritized my life immediately during this period and so, pressed pause on my podcast.

I continued work with coaching clients and did some speaking, but my kids and their health definitely took center stage. To give you a small feel, in one year I drove approximately 3,000 miles taking my kids to appointments. Stop and think for a minute about the fear, worry, time, logistical challenges and money involved in that many appointments.

And, as I’ve said, I also began spending time speaking and advocating for my kids personally with the school and health professionals and also for others. The CDC estimates that 1 in 200 kids will be impacted by PANS or PANDAS each year and yet many health practitioners and education professionals are not knowledgeable or even aware.

My Reflect – Re-Fuel and Re-Evaulation

I dubbed the summer of 2018 My Summer of Self Care. I focused on me and took time to Reflect, Re-Fuel and Re-Evaluate.

Reflect: We moved fast and furious through 3 years and there was rarely time to think or process what we were going through. It was always just Do – Do – Do. It seemed like we moved from one challenge to the next. So, I took time to just think and remember and feel the feelings that I passed over during the many experiences we’d had. There wasn’t time to sit and let feelings flow.

I was too busy and focused on research and trying the next thing. I needed to revisit what we’d been through and cry and take time to feel what was tucked away. I needed to let a lot of it out.

And, I always try to focus on the positive so had definitely celebrated small victories and looked for silver linings. But, now I needed time to grieve. I took time for that this summer too. I grieved high school years that weren’t what we’d planned. Time lost. Memories not made. There were no school dances or basketball games. He barely left his room for a few years. I grieved or the college life that isn’t what we’d expected.

Refuel: I was completely depleted! There was nothing left for me or anyone else. I could NOT be my best self without a focus on me. I secured down time and used it to just BE, spend time in nature, be quiet, paddle board, water walk. I took actual time off. Normally I celebrate my ability to work from anywhere while blending vacation and some scaled back work. The only true down time I’ve had in YEARS prior to this was my week-long honeymoon in Mexico. We left our
electronics back home!!

I also used some of the self-care suggestions from this .pdf I created. Click on the link to get your own download! It has a lot of ideas!!

My Summer of Self Care – Sliding into Self Care – Super Simple Strategies for Crazy Busy Lives

Re-Evaluate: During that quiet time came some contemplation and I began to re-evaluate:

My Team – All of my relationships from friendships, professional, those I serve and more.

discovered many of my relationships were very one-sided or based on what I could do vs. who I was. I needed to build my Team Kirsten – those who could help fuel me so that I get back to supporting others.

My Time – How should I spend my time –

My Targets – expand – include all of me – to support and encourage all of you.

Out of that re-evaluation came a shift in focus for my podcast. not really a shift, actually, an expansion.

New Podcast Introduction – Summarizes it all…

You were born with individual strengths and a unique purpose. Don’t let fears, false beliefs, or life’s happenings diminish your influence! 

It’s time to Live and Lead for Impact!

Host, Kirsten Ross, expert of transformation, will help you Defeat the Drama and Overcome the Trauma that can stop you in your tracks. You’ll gain focus, find confidence, and take bold action…. Unleash passionate, purposeful you!
Let’s Go!!

I realized that to brand my podcast as Defeat the Drama at Work had me feeling fragmented………I kept bumping up against this wall at the edge of business topics with more that I really wanted to share but didn’t feel like I could and still remain consistent to the brand.

Over the past few years I began to feel more and more fragmented as some of my advocacy work took me in different directions with my speaking as well. It was then difficult to feel fully authentic when I spoke on leadership topics.
I just wanted to be all of me! It started to feel like an identity crisis…….

I’ve always had this call to action or wiring to share what I learn to help others. It goes all the way back to high school. As a result, I live my life on 2 tracks all at once. I live and learn as life happens. However, at the same time, I am also constantly looking objectively at my life and organizing what I’m learning with a plan to share what I’m learning to help others. The wiring has me planning that way and then my innate ability to simplify challenging topics helps me turn it into shareable information.

My podcast’s focus on work alone was what had me feeling fractured.
I’ll say that I’ve been blessed to have had many experiences throughout life that provide me the opportunity to share from a rich collection of life experiences.

I actually recently joked with a friend as she marveled at the wealth of life experiences I’ve had, “Well, I’m really hoping God is satisfied with the material I’m now armed with”….I was kind of joking but kind of not!

So…….The strategies I share with others have been used by many of my clients but also by me. Ironically, whenever I start with a new coaching client, one of the first things I share is this, “You are who you are in your life and in your work so we can work on either and we’ll impact both.” 

I immediately give license to my clients to be a whole human being SOOOOOO……Why on earth have I been limiting my ability to be whole too and share from my plethora of both work and life experiences? Ultimately, my goal is to help others make a positive impact and I don’t care where it happens! I believe to the depths of my core that we are each put on this earth with a unique purpose and wonderful gifts to share with others. Too often fears, false beliefs and the happenings of life stop us from fulfilling that purpose and we rob the world of us.

With this new title and focus I get to be all of me and can also help all of you! Don’t rob the world of you!! I want to help you defeat the drama and overcome the trauma that can block you!

Live and Lead for Impact is about making your difference in this world as all of you from the many different roles that you play. The reality is that you can make a difference as a leader, parent, community member, volunteer, an employee or something else entirely I want to help you make your important impact. Thank you for listening and I look forward to helping you and hearing about your journey to impact!

Click To Download Your Free Sliding Into Self Care: Super Simple Strategies for Crazy Busy Lives